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To be perfectly honest, I wasn't looking forward to pregnancy. Aside from growing to the size of Sweden and losing the ability to walk more than ten yards without stopping for a breather, it's a scientific fact that pregnant women don't just develop babies in their wombs, but hand magnets as well. I'm not one of those people who has a thing about being touched, you understand – conception's rather more difficult if you do – but why whenever people see a pregnant friend, or even someone they barely know, do they feel like they've got a sudden and irrefutable right to engage in the middle class equivalent of happy slapping? We don't rustle someone's hair after they've just spent £140 at Mark Scott or stamp on their toes when they've taken out a second mortgage for a pair of Manolos, so why do we lurch for the gut whenever we see a kangaroo impression?
'I felt him kick!' they gleefully explain time and again, largely oblivious to the fact that the thing he's kicking is me and it bloody hurts. Small wonder that violent crimes are up these days when you think about it. Even before they're born we're teaching the next generation that violence results in warmth and affection. If we kept this behaviour up when the little buggers came out we'd be buying them PlayStations for matricide.
And don't get me started on childbirth. I wasn't raised by Hollywood; I know what it involves and the thought of sweating, crying, pissing and shitting in front of a room of people I don't know and probably wouldn't like doesn't really appeal to me. In fact it's probably fair to say I'd rather spend twelve hours locked in academic debate concerning the geopolitical ramifications of The Jeremy Kyle Show being exported to Israel. All whilst sober of course. Can't drink whilst pregnant because you'll give birth to Johnny Vegas. Can't smoke because your baby will come out smelling like an 80's East London cab office. Can't use a microwave because they're more harmful to foetuses than gun shots, can't stroke cats because the kid'll get furballs, and can't drink coffee in case your offspring turns out like Woody Allen. Can't get herpes either. I swear to God one of the online guides I read for newly pregnant mothers instructed me not to get herpes. As if that was something I did for kicks every other Thursday anyway.
This is all to say nothing of after the pregnancy. 'You'll never care for anything in your life the same way again,' I was told. Excuse me? I like caring about the things I care about. I don't want to lose interest in them. I also don't want to be broke. The only thing more expensive than raising a child for eighteen years is being sued by them when their therapist decides they had a traumatic childhood and it's because you didn't hug them enough. Or it's because you hugged them too much. Finding the middle ground in order to avoid litigation these days is like trying to describe a black co-worker without mentioning their skin colour in case you come off as racist.
And I never really believed these women who said they'd never been happier. I suppose it might be true but they all looked exhausted to me. We might all have read about the City Supermums who balance commanding globalisation with being home in time to cook the fish fingers to perfection, and I'll admit to hating Catherine Zeta Jones a little bit for apparently looking perfect only five hours after her vulva was doing its Vesuvius but normal women aren't like that. Normal women have stretch marks, bags under their eyes, sleepless nights, all too regular trips to mothercare, judgmental doctors (how did she get that bruise again?), no social life, no sex life! Who in the world looks forward to all of that? Apart from Mel Gibson's wife, obviously. Being pregnant looked like the uncomfortable start to an unhappy existence.
'I felt him kick!' they gleefully explain time and again, largely oblivious to the fact that the thing he's kicking is me and it bloody hurts. Small wonder that violent crimes are up these days when you think about it. Even before they're born we're teaching the next generation that violence results in warmth and affection. If we kept this behaviour up when the little buggers came out we'd be buying them PlayStations for matricide.
And don't get me started on childbirth. I wasn't raised by Hollywood; I know what it involves and the thought of sweating, crying, pissing and shitting in front of a room of people I don't know and probably wouldn't like doesn't really appeal to me. In fact it's probably fair to say I'd rather spend twelve hours locked in academic debate concerning the geopolitical ramifications of The Jeremy Kyle Show being exported to Israel. All whilst sober of course. Can't drink whilst pregnant because you'll give birth to Johnny Vegas. Can't smoke because your baby will come out smelling like an 80's East London cab office. Can't use a microwave because they're more harmful to foetuses than gun shots, can't stroke cats because the kid'll get furballs, and can't drink coffee in case your offspring turns out like Woody Allen. Can't get herpes either. I swear to God one of the online guides I read for newly pregnant mothers instructed me not to get herpes. As if that was something I did for kicks every other Thursday anyway.
This is all to say nothing of after the pregnancy. 'You'll never care for anything in your life the same way again,' I was told. Excuse me? I like caring about the things I care about. I don't want to lose interest in them. I also don't want to be broke. The only thing more expensive than raising a child for eighteen years is being sued by them when their therapist decides they had a traumatic childhood and it's because you didn't hug them enough. Or it's because you hugged them too much. Finding the middle ground in order to avoid litigation these days is like trying to describe a black co-worker without mentioning their skin colour in case you come off as racist.
And I never really believed these women who said they'd never been happier. I suppose it might be true but they all looked exhausted to me. We might all have read about the City Supermums who balance commanding globalisation with being home in time to cook the fish fingers to perfection, and I'll admit to hating Catherine Zeta Jones a little bit for apparently looking perfect only five hours after her vulva was doing its Vesuvius but normal women aren't like that. Normal women have stretch marks, bags under their eyes, sleepless nights, all too regular trips to mothercare, judgmental doctors (how did she get that bruise again?), no social life, no sex life! Who in the world looks forward to all of that? Apart from Mel Gibson's wife, obviously. Being pregnant looked like the uncomfortable start to an unhappy existence.
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Bit odd for a 25 year old lad to write about a middle-aged woman's pregnancy I suppose...
Considering submitting a bid for a ghostwriting contract based around said woman's experiences whilst pregnant. Obviously it's not something I'm particularly experienced with so wrote this to see how easily it flowed. Her base target was a Bridget Jones-esque style but it's ages since I read that so I can barely remember it.
The answer as to how it flowed, by the way, is not particularly well. I like parts of it fine, but it wasn't a quick write and there were more than a few pauses.
Still, lemme know if you like it and concrit always greatly appreciated.
Considering submitting a bid for a ghostwriting contract based around said woman's experiences whilst pregnant. Obviously it's not something I'm particularly experienced with so wrote this to see how easily it flowed. Her base target was a Bridget Jones-esque style but it's ages since I read that so I can barely remember it.
The answer as to how it flowed, by the way, is not particularly well. I like parts of it fine, but it wasn't a quick write and there were more than a few pauses.
Still, lemme know if you like it and concrit always greatly appreciated.
Comments6
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You know what, I wish more people would be as brutally honest as you! I'm not pregnant yet, but planning on it. I do NOT want the pregnancy to be completely honest, I just want the kid. I'm committed to having no more than 2 kids (and that's only if the first goes OK) for sake of the fact I already know what it's like to grow up with population pressures. Adoption is very appealing. The only reason why I'm going to go through all of it is because I think I've got some good genes that may be worth passing on, I very much love my husband and the risk-taker in me fancies the adventure and potential catastrophe of combining our two genesets into new individuals.
But I think there's a lot of lying done about pregnancy and child-rearing. A LOT. I call it the cowards way of dealing with trauma. Whenever people go through horrific things, there's a risk they can't handle the idea that it was honestly painful and not particularly justified. They make up justifications to make themselves feel more secure about what happened, cementing the deal by pronouncing those justifications to other people so as to encourage them to endure exactly the same trauma.
I've heard time and again the idolisation of e.g. a woman that stays with a partner that beats her "...for the children" to "protect them from a broken home". I'm sorry - what? A broken home is a horror a child must be protected from, but limbs broken by a parent having a tantrum is better? People use children, babies and pregnancy as shields from all kinds of fear, like the fear that they're not really good at anything except their biological functions, or that otherwise they wouldn't be "normal" - this is wrong.
People should have kids for the right reasons, not because "Pregnancy is a lovely fluffy flower-scented experience that every woman should be grateful to experience" because it damn well isn't. Women still die in childbirth. The risk gets greater because generation after generation more women that would have died in childbirth, potentially killing off their genetic lineage, do not and their children go on to have even harder pregnancies.
I also find the amount of *CRAP* that women are told about what they should and should not do with regards to pregnancy and such abhorrent. Half of what we're told is superstition, most of the other half poorly reported research omitting the reservations of the researchers that conducted the research themselves, never mentioning that the sample size was too small to draw any conclusions, or that there are numerous other studies on the same thing with conflicting conclusions, or worse that the "facts" being report come from the only study internationally available on this one particular topic. It's an absolute abuse of knowledge mostly used to make people who are not pregnant feel like they can dictate to women that are from a position of authority.
"Are you sure you should lie down on your back? Don't you think you should eat a few more vegetables with that? You're not doing enough exercise. Don't strain yourself. Why are you getting stressed out? Stress is bad for the baby!"
But even after this rant... [I'll admit it's a bit of a rant!] I do have *some* good news. There are now more and more women in science out there, and *some* of them are getting pissed off with this situation and trying to do something about it. I'm presently reading a book called "Bumpology" I hope you might also like to read. It's written by just such a woman. So far it's really good: [link]
But I think there's a lot of lying done about pregnancy and child-rearing. A LOT. I call it the cowards way of dealing with trauma. Whenever people go through horrific things, there's a risk they can't handle the idea that it was honestly painful and not particularly justified. They make up justifications to make themselves feel more secure about what happened, cementing the deal by pronouncing those justifications to other people so as to encourage them to endure exactly the same trauma.
I've heard time and again the idolisation of e.g. a woman that stays with a partner that beats her "...for the children" to "protect them from a broken home". I'm sorry - what? A broken home is a horror a child must be protected from, but limbs broken by a parent having a tantrum is better? People use children, babies and pregnancy as shields from all kinds of fear, like the fear that they're not really good at anything except their biological functions, or that otherwise they wouldn't be "normal" - this is wrong.
People should have kids for the right reasons, not because "Pregnancy is a lovely fluffy flower-scented experience that every woman should be grateful to experience" because it damn well isn't. Women still die in childbirth. The risk gets greater because generation after generation more women that would have died in childbirth, potentially killing off their genetic lineage, do not and their children go on to have even harder pregnancies.
I also find the amount of *CRAP* that women are told about what they should and should not do with regards to pregnancy and such abhorrent. Half of what we're told is superstition, most of the other half poorly reported research omitting the reservations of the researchers that conducted the research themselves, never mentioning that the sample size was too small to draw any conclusions, or that there are numerous other studies on the same thing with conflicting conclusions, or worse that the "facts" being report come from the only study internationally available on this one particular topic. It's an absolute abuse of knowledge mostly used to make people who are not pregnant feel like they can dictate to women that are from a position of authority.
"Are you sure you should lie down on your back? Don't you think you should eat a few more vegetables with that? You're not doing enough exercise. Don't strain yourself. Why are you getting stressed out? Stress is bad for the baby!"
But even after this rant... [I'll admit it's a bit of a rant!] I do have *some* good news. There are now more and more women in science out there, and *some* of them are getting pissed off with this situation and trying to do something about it. I'm presently reading a book called "Bumpology" I hope you might also like to read. It's written by just such a woman. So far it's really good: [link]