A Girl's Guide to Guys II

by ~Hayter

1. We love you girls, really. It's just that saying it out loud seems either freakish or gay and whilst we're trying to be the metrosexual men Cosmo tells you we should be, the truth is we're still pretty insecure about these things. So when we make a crass comment about your breasts it's often because we simply don't feel comfortable saying something simple like, "you look beautiful today."

2. If we say, 'do you want a hand with that,' when you're clearly struggling with something like a jar's lid, there's no double meaning. We're not making fun of you because you're weaker than us; we're just being nice. Take a simple gesture as it was intended.

3. You don't like to nag; we don't like to be nagged. So let's leave it. It'll be done when it's done.

4. We do make fun of you a lot; it's true. But most of it whether it is a literate rant about how insane you are or simply a seemingly snide jab at your appearance is a sign of affection. Look at how we treat our male friends; we insult each other, argue with each other and then buy each other a pint. This is how we express true friendship. If you don't get the drink though, odds are we do actually dislike you.

5. While on the one hand you seem obsessed with making us into '21st century men' obsessed with waxing, fine dining and manicures, on the other you profess your attraction to both hulking specimens of raw manhood and also skinny students with bad facial hair. Is it any wonder we get confused as to how you want us to act?

6. We know you like attention but leading us on by flirting without intent is just mean. We really are too stupid to work out you just want to be friends by picking up on 'signals.' Tell us straight. Then flirt with us anyway because after you've said it properly, our hopes are no longer up and it's still good fun.

7. If we have to change for the modern world, so do you. Let's hear it for equal rights and mutual respect. Alongside this, let's hear one of you ask us out more than once in a blue moon because we're getting tired of doing all the leg work, ladies.

8. Lots of us like sport. Some of us like it a lot. So let's say we make a deal. You have your girly nights every now and a while. Plump down and watch Sex and the City. If Kim Cattral has a sex scene we may even watch it with you. In return though, let us have the football on at the weekend. This really is one of the important things in our lives.

9. We want to impress you; more than this we want you to tell us we've impressed you. Trouble is, we think you'll be impressed by the things that impress us, namely prowess in sport, biting wit or any other generic display of masculinity. We simply don't understand why you don't appreciate these things as much as we do.

10. We have bloke nights out so understand completely when you want to go downtown with the girls. But do you honestly expect anyone to hit on you when you're surrounded by the chattering nancies? Fair enough, you might not want to go out alone, but a solitary friend once in a while, eh? Is that too much to ask?

11. After we have an argument with you and retreat into a moody silence, it's because we don't want a lengthy confrontation so don't complain about it; would you rather we just shouted at you instead? We'll come around eventually with a casual and unrelated question at which point you know we want to move on. You could even consider this an apology in some situations.

12. Okay, if you're now moaning about real apologies, it's different for us than it is for you. All you have to do is flutter your eyelids, purse your lips and say, 'sowee' in a falsetto voice. We can't do that and a level toned 'sorry' either sounds nonchalant or just pathetic.

13. Telling you how we feel is not easily done. It's hard enough when we're with our close male friends. The unspoken rules of manhood dictate that we may only display three emotions in public: Anger, Surprise and Joy, all buttoned with obscenities. Getting past this is far from easy, however stupid it may seem to you. Telling someone we're upset... Well that's nigh on impossible.

14. Men are problem solvers by nature. What this means is when you tell us your woes, we'll tell you how to deal with them whether you want us to or not. We may not always be right, but we believe in action so if you want a sympathetic ear, find a girl. We know the answer to your troubles and if you won't listen then that's your own problem.

15. Apologies in advance for staring at your breasts. Most of the time we honestly don't know we're doing it. That being said, if you wear a plunging neckline and low slung necklace, you're really asking for it, aren't you?

16. When we're attracted to you, it's because of who you are at the moment and we expect the same in return. Don't get with us because you see, 'the man we could be.' Don't try and make us change because we'll resent you for it and the subsequent failure will hurt us all.

17. We've made a plan, here's the plan, let's follow the plan and for God's sake don't be late! You wanted to do the shopping today so let's get it over and done with. Now.

18. If you want something, ask for it. Don't drop hints, don't be subtle. You should have guessed now that we either can't or won't indulge in such behaviour.

19. You know by now that showing emotion isn't easy for us so you should get that when we say, 'I love you,' we want to mean it. When we're ready we'll come out with it but don't force it out of us because then the phrase is worthless and who wants that? While we're here, the phrase, 'I fucking love you,' whilst drunk doesn't count.

20. Don't ever agree to 'freebie' sex outside of a relationship. Whilst you might pick Brad Pitt or Jonny Depp in an amused, 'it's never going to happen' way, we'll pick more realistic targets. Then we'll go for it.

21. If we're inappropriate towards women or strangers; maybe if we're starting down a slippery slope, tell us, but do it when we're alone. When we begin to leave the room (see rule #11) persevere because it's the only way you'll get through to us. If you really want an inside tip, turn on the waterworks. It's an old trick, but it still works most of the time. Just don't overdo it because that'll just annoy us.

22. Don't ask a question about your appearance unless you want the truth because half the time, no, the dress doesn't make your bum look big. Fishing for compliments and white lies is one of the least attractive things you do. Just be yourself; that's why we liked you in the first place.

23. Trying to convince us you're bisexual by kissing another girl only works with the stupidest men. Don't let that stop you though.

24. Say you want to go for a meal, ask us where we want to go and we say, 'I'm not bothered,' don't assume we don't like the idea. Unless we say otherwise we'd love to dine out with you but the company's what's important, not the locale.

25. Don't expect a response to every single text you send, particularly if most are asinine. We have jobs, we have responsibilities and we have phone bills; all are more important than replying to, 'What did you have for lunch?"